Rapper Nick-E-Dymes has no mo rhymes

In an extreme case of writers-block, rapper Nick-E-Dymes has been unable to produce a single line of witty prose since the successful release of his first album Green Sleaze, which hit stores back in December of 2010. To add to matters, a binding contractual agreement has stipulated that Winston Commodore—A.K.A Nick-E-Dymes, has to record at least three songs for his next album by July 2^nd, or he will be in breach of said contract and face lawsuits.

Nick-E-Dymes was able to offer some reassurance to his fans by stating that he has one line of song written, but stress is starting to effect his ability to translate content into the trashy rhyming lyrics he is famous for.

“I ain’t got no mo rhymes,”stated an exhausted looking Nick-E who was reportedly up for three nights straight trying to add content to his latest song “I done schooled yo ass.” Nick-E-Dymes was gracious enough to share the work he completed up until his writers block took hold of his pen. “Damn those ignant teachers and them words they is teach’n I is tired of the preach’n all the nag’n and a screech’n…” Nick-E is currently run out of rhymes to follow the word screech’n and is seeking out desperate measures to try and find the elusive word. “My head is all spinn’n and I never is winn’n will yall help me I’m tired… Damn,” exclaimed a flustered Nick-E, who was unable to finish his sentence as the pressure for finding rhymes has clearly overwhelmed the rapper.

Ever since the release of Nick-E’s first and only album Green Sleaze, the rapper claims that he is all tapped out of fresh material. “That last album was my life story, what more can I say, you know what I’m say’n?” stated Nick-E. Apparently the inspiration is gone and so are the rhymes, but Nick-E-Dymes has not lost hope, according to fans of the trash talking former gangster kingpin, Nick-E-Dymes has been spotted wandering the beach at night flicking his fingers and mouthing the words to some song he is desperately trying to get a grip on. Unfortunately, when probed about this late night beach stroll, Nick-E claimed that it was simply a sleep-walking fit of his that was brought on by anxiety and that no new material has yet come to him.

“Yeah my boy Nick-E-Dymes aint doin too well,” exclaimed friend and fellow rapper Dolla Insense. “You know he poured his whole life into that last album and now he has nothing left, I mean we might have to wait another two decades before Nick-E has enough life stories to fill enough tracks on another album.” When encouraged to explore other topics to rap about like the hardships of inner city gang life or, the folly of white man, (which has been known to translate into briefcases filled to the brim with Benjamin’s), Nick-E-Dymes said “no! I will not be educated by some white boy reporter,” (me) “there you go,” I replied. “That’s a song right there,” I stated, but a dismissive Nick-E-Dymes, after telling me to get off his grill, advised me not to quit my day job and insisted that he had content that was pure gold within, he just has not found the key to unlock it yet.

Nick-E-Dymes’s album Green Sleaze contains over one hundred tracks that are lay ed out in chronological order of life events and is essentially an autobiography with witty phrases and rhyming couplets narrated in Ebonics, (the language of thugs). “When you get right down to it,” explained Dolla Insense, “Green Sleaze is a pretty comprehensive work that begs the question what words does the guy have left to sling a beat at?

Dr Jon Kintuppa’s on trial for crimes against the depressed.

Doctor Jon Kintuppa stood before a supreme court judge today, charged with negligence after a new elixir he invented to cure depression, started inducing some bizarre symptoms within its patients.

The drug is called Happysmileine and its official release into the public was two months ago after Doctor Kintuppa presented the elixir at a healthcare convention in Toronto. After a rather flamboyant presentation about the amazing healing powers of Kintuppa’s magic elixir, there weren’t enough bottles of Happysmileine to go around. Unfortunately, for those thousands of people prescribed the liquid medication, their moods changed as promised by Kintuppa, but for most, it was not a change for the better.

“Happysmileine is designed to help the muscles in the cheeks reacquire the smiley face,”stated former colleague, Doctor Faldine Styter.

According to Doctor Styter, microscopic electrodes within the elixir, shoot painful shock-waves under the facial tissue which forces the depressed sad-sack to smile. In other words, smiling is the only way for the user to relieve the pain of repeated shocks to the face. “After smiling has commenced it was Kintuppa’s theory that the feeling of happiness would soon follow suit,”Styter concluded.

Those who took Dr Kintuppa’s elixir, are now being treated in local hospitals as victims that not only have to contend with their own depression, but other random mood swings brought on by the drug. “Not enough testing was conducted by Kintuppa before he released that vile poison,” stated an angry doctor. “I’m surprised anyone would even swallow that syrupy liquid, it smells like formaldehyde,”exclaimed another medical staffer.

The lawsuit against Dr Kintuppa was filed by patients who were recovering from the drug. One patient was laughing as he signed the legal documents to indict the Doctor. Laughter was his symptom after 24hr’s use of the drug. “puhaha , I’m so angry and depressed on the inside,” laughed Colton Cepling, “but I, zuhaha, can’t stop laughing on the outside, hey what’s that on your shirt?” Cepling asked as he pointed to my shirt. I looked down and Colton made an obnoxious fart sound and stabbed my eye with his index finger. Another, victim of the elixir was depressed Chinese immigrant, Yoho Chang whose symptom was non-stop crying which made the signing of legal documents difficult as the constant flow of tears was making the paper too wet to write on properly.

The trial lasted six hours, but that did not seem to effect the lawyers who fought tirelessly for their clients. Prosecutor Dave Babcock was aggressive towards the accused who sat nervously beside Judge Maggadams. One line of questioning made the Doctor laugh, which in turn made Babcock furious. In order to exercise authority in the court-room, (a common lawyer tactic) Babcock opened a jar of Kintuppa’s elixir and splashed it in his eyes “now sit your five dollar butt down before I make change,” yelled lawyer Babcock to Doctor Kintuppa who took the advice of the prosecutor. The objections of Doctor Kintuppa’s lawyer seemed to fall on deaf ears and there is a strong sense in the room that the jury will find Doctor Kintuppa guilty when the trial reconvenes for a verdict scheduled for June 20^th.

Better late than never!

The remains of a woman declared missing over 100 years ago have been found at long last.The family of Mary Anne Tate, were finally able to receive their long over due closure. DNA samples confirmed that the skeletal remains of an old woman, housed in a display case  at the Manitoba museum, matched those of great grand-daughter, Connie Anne Tate, who instantly recognized her slack jawed relative staring back at her.

An extensive search back in 1910 was conducted by then chief of police, Byron Harman, who was forced to call off the hunt after the case went cold in 1912. One hundred and one years later, The still open case, was officially closed June,7^th, 2011.

“At first there were chills as I walked by that disgusting old skeleton, but something caught my attention when I glanced back at her,” remarked Connie. “Her haunting facial expression was eerily familiar. I quickly ran into the washroom and made the same face at myself in the mirror and realized, holy shit, this woman is a Tate!” stated Connie, who even noticed that her hair parted in the same place on her great-grandmothers decayed skull.

Convinced that the decayed, old crone on display at the entrance to the Legendary Knitters exhibit was somehow related to her, Connie summoned the curator of the museum, Chloe Spinx. Unfortunately, Spinx was not co-operative when asked how she acquired the corpse of Connie’s great-grandmother. Connie’s frustration mounted when she further noticed a name and description on the display case that read: “Olga Ortiz, Feminist and knitter, whose legendary walrus tusk needles in the 1930′s brought her impoverished family out of the depression.”

 “At first I thought, perhaps I should let my great-grandmother continue to inspire knitters under the assumed title of the legendary Olga Ortiz.” explained Connie, “but I was just too overcome with curiosity to let my quest for answers end here. Besides, I think that if my great-grandmother wasn’t so stricken with rigor mortis, she’d be out looking for her descendants, I’m doing this for her,” explained a misty eyed Connie, pointing at her creepy great-grandmother.

The dusty old corpse was confiscated by local police who rushed a DNA sample that compared a hair strand from Connie and her relative and revealed without a doubt that Connie’s great-grandmother was indeed the woman at the museum listed as Olga Ortiz. Shortly after the closing of this historic case police opened a formal investigation against Museum curator Chloe Spinx in hopes of bringing about more answers for Connie and her family.

“We here at police headquarters are not guaranteeing anything at this point, but we feel like there might have been some foul play,” a chubby police chief said with questionable integrity. The knitting exhibit has also been closed until the authenticity of the other corpses depicting famous knitters has been confirmed.

Connie and her family have decided to bury their new-found relative next to her daughter who passed away five years ago in hopes that they will be reunited in the after-life.

Creepy dwelling designed to house Winnipeg’s ghosts

In response to over a decades worth of hauntings and devilish mischief perpetrated by the ghosts of this city, two Winnipeg locals have purchased an abandoned apartment complex to house and hopefully contain the myriad of restless spirits. From garbage bins falling over at random, to unmanned wheel-chairs zooming down main-street, citizens have been scared and frustrated for too long!

“The impetus shouldn’t be to rid the city of its ghosts,” exclaimed Kiki, local ghost whisperer and shaman. “They’re just misguided souls and it is my job to help find them a place within our society where they can truly fit in.”

Transcona was were Kiki happened upon an abandoned five story apartment complex, situated in the middle of a secluded farmers field. “It’s just a little piece of hell on earth,” laughed Kiki, who instantly felt compelled to purchase the nightmarish place. After the sale was finalized, Kiki along with world-renowned, paranormal interior designer, Kip Bjorn went for a walkthrough tour of the formidable building. Bjorn who is known famously for developing the ghoulish nouveau style of interior design, was excited for the tour which included a professional consult.

Bjorn made a few artistic renovations he thought were necessary to liven down the place and make it appear a little more dreadful. “I added in a few flickering light-bulbs, some cracked antique mirrors and I distributed a number of creepy portraits of stern faced old men throughout the hallways and bedrooms to enhance the theme that someone or something ominous is always watching,” explained Bjorn. Some of the more extensive renovations included the replacement of plumbing pipes with older worn out pipes. “These clanking pipes give off negative energy which will make the spirits feel right at home,” stated Bjorn. The final renovation project saw the replacement of a wooden living room floor, as its quality was not up to Bjorn’s code of imperfection.

“I replaced one living rooms floor boards with some old scrap wood I found at a lumber yard. Now the floors are just creaking with promise,” chuckled a giddy Bjorn. 

Kiki and Bjorn’s vision for the new Transcona apartment complex came to life in two short weeks and one has to wonder if the ghosts will really come to embrace their spooky new habitat. All the doors in the building have been slightly opened adding a creepy element that Bjorn says ghosts find eerily inviting. Meanwhile, Kiki will be doing her best to communicate with the homeless spirits about the new house available for its haunted owners.

President Kills Superman

It was a sad day for Superman fans to discover that their shiny spandex wearing hero is not so super after all. It turns out the man of steel has a few imperfections which all serve to prove without a doubt that the famed hero from Krypton is nothing more then a fictitious comic book character.

Today, one the greatest hoaxes ever foiled took place on location where President Obama called a press conference. When the surprise keynote speaker was announced, media and eager observers cheered when the name Superman was called forth. Immediately however, cheering soon turned into gasps and the halitosis of the audience lingered in the air as slack jawed faces beheld a strange sight. Not one, but four men in the famed Superman tights walked onto the stage. Audience members were not the only ones in shock, but it appeared that the four men in costume were also surprised, surprised to see each other in one place. After a quick huddle session, one of the four super heroes came forward to the microphone and began to explain a troubling truth that was not met with much favour. Four words that history won’t soon forget were spoken “Superman does not exist!”

For the past twenty years, Superman’s gig has not been a solo performance, but the performance of four men hired by the presidency. Each man was employed in four evenly spaced regions of the American country to perform good deeds and give the people the impression that one Superman was keeping watch over the country. Obama apparently botched the whole conspiracy when he accidentally sent out a mass email to all four Supermen asking for their presence at a keynote address.

“I thought something was fishy when I noticed Superman wearing runners instead of his classic red boots.” One observer commented. “I suppose if you cannot really fly you need good foot-wear to get around saving people.”

Others commented on the obvious physical differences between the four men saying that one of the four was bald and looked more like famed super villain Lex Luthor. It is obvious that people are so swept up by the hype of Superman that he can normally get away with being lax about his appearance.“C’mon, neither of those supposed Supermen are even wearing the famous red cape, how did I ever miss that?” exclaimed one angry onlooker.

Their were undoubtedly mixed emotions as the truth began to settle in. From tears to anger the truth about this hoax demanded an explanation which a nervous, but stoic president Obama began to deliver.

“My fellow Americans, tragedy has struck our good nation as the Superman we have come to love and depend on has died today. I know that Superman never existed to begin with, but to all of you I am sure he was alive in your hearts and imaginations and I am sorry that we had to kill your beacon of hope for this country on this sad sad day.”

Weeping commenced in the streets as media and other members of the audience began to disperse. Hope has been blotted out of the eyes of many that left one of the sadist press conferences President Obama has ever delivered.

From Mediocre to Brilliant!

    Critics are still riding the shock-waves after last nights performance of “Albert.” Known for his talent as both a writer and actor, the man known only as “Formyko,” was pleased to present his latest masterpiece to a sold-out audience.

It began as a thought provoking biography that failed to meet the initial hype from its former writer/producer, until Formyko got his hands on the script. “I turn pieces of sh$#%t into, avward vwinning Glasschmuck.” Polishing a turd is a rather crude depiction of his talents, but Formyko has made an international name for himself taking on failing theatrical projects like “Albert” and making them brilliant. “Albert is a Liebesgeschichte (love story), it is the untold tale of Albert Einstein’s second marriage,” said Formyko.

Despite the off-color facts about Einstein being related to his second wife maternally, the show did not disappoint or appal its captivated viewers. Set upon a 20’th Century German backdrop, Formyko as Albert Einstein, was charmingly suave yet relentless in his resolve.“I will make that woman my wife by love or by force.”-quote. In the end it was Albert‘ s period style dance moves that caught the attention of his beloved first cousin Elsa; this led to some of the most dramatically bold dialogue that Canadian playwrights have not yet seen in this country.

“Alberto, Alberto“(Elsa)
“Dammit woman, my name is ALBERT (young Einstein).
“Alberto, you‘re mad“(Elsa)
“Wench, you make my blood boil.“(Einstein).

Formyko‘s Winnipeg performance was said to have been the debut of his first emotional connection to the story.  Until last night, his biggest self critique was that he was unable to cry when the opportunity called for it.“I don‘t know what happened,” said Formyko.“ All of I sudden I could feel the tension in za audience and I finally believe I was Albert and tears falled down my face.” The moment occurred while Formyko delivered his famous soliloquy. Members of the audience were teary eyed as they watched Formyko‘s character address himself in his award winning mirror scene. Viewers watched as he waxed poetic about his inner most thoughts regarding youthful naivety, love and death.

“Truly a most magnificent performance,” explained one audience member. “I‘m not sure how accurate to the facts this depiction of Einstein was, but once he started tap dancing and juggling beakers, I threw facts out the window and decided to enjoy the spectacle.”

“Was Einstein really that dramatic in his early life? I mean did Einstein really lock himself in his science lab and cry while trying to make a love potion out of the most ridiculous combination of chemicals?”This question was challenged by a science teacher whose expression was more an indication of bewilderment rather than satisfaction. Others questioned some of the habits presented by Formyko‘s character.

“I don‘t know what theses people want from me, I came to this country to put on show not to give history lesson. To your questions I now say nusthing!”With that, Formyko left the lobby and was no longer available for comment. The performance of Formyko‘s ‚Albert‘ will show for 3 more nights at 9pm at the Centennial Concert hall. Tickets are still available, so don‘t wait to see this unique thought provoking play with its questionable content and overly dramatics scenes.

He’s no average cowboy, but he gets the job done!

They are calling him a bull riding phenom. Sonny Wylder, the young buck from Kamloops BC, has done it again, a full eight second ride with top scoring points. Last night the crowd was hoot’n and hollering as they cheered Wylder onto an eighty seven point record breaker.

Wylder demonstrated some of the most graceful riding that judges have ever seen in an athlete this early in his career. Wylder first broke into professional riding a year ago having very little experience. “Usually, it don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep, but that there Sonny Wylder took to the life of a cowboy like a horse takes to oats,” exclaimed a known acquaintance.
Despite his early success, Wylder has not been fully embraced by the bull riding community and some would say his unorthodox methods are to blame. Set apart from great riders of the past, Wylder’s techniques before a bull ride have been categorized as both mystifying and spooky.  An hour before every show, Wylder finds his opponent and performs a odd ritual with the beast. Curious onlookers have claimed that the man will get down on all fours and snarl, bellow and kick like a bull. This activity though uncouth, riles up the steer and once Wylder has the bull in a state of agitation he will then stare down the animal with those squinty little eyes of his. It is said that the connection he makes with the animal during this activity, helps him to be able to predict the outcome of the ride.
  An obvious eccentric, Wylder also  attributes some of his success to the only pieces of equipment he takes with him into the ring. “I’d like to say that Sonny is filling the shoes of other great riders, but the man doesn’t even wear shoes when he rides,” claimed a former bull riding judge. Dressed in nothing but a pair of 2 cent gym shorts and a ragged old straw hat, the hefty bull rider does not seem to miss a beat when skin meets hide. “At home, you won’t catch me wearing anything but my own thick skin,” claims Wylder. “The bull don’t wear no fancy wranglers why should I?” It’s only fitting that I should try to be more like him if I’m to learn how to dominate the win.” Apparently,  the  shorts and hat he wears are just a courtesy to his audience.
Wylder does not come to his workplace to make friends. In fact the closest people to him don’t progress beyond acquaintance status. An intense individual, Wylder only smiles during the 8 second window when he’s riding that steer. Wylder even makes the rodeo clowns frown as they are always left hanging with their hands in the air, waiting for a high five that will never come to pass. If Wylder is in a particularly bad mood, he will give them his famous squinty cold eye stare which has been known to make even the strongest clown in the business, break down in tears.
Wylder has his sights on the coveted gold buckle that will be awarded to the winner of the next Calgary stampede rodeo. “I don’t know those steers personally and I have heard that Alberta breeds some of the fiercest bulls to ride, but I too am a fierce competitor and have confidence in my ability to tame,” Wylder paused to glance at his itinerary for the show. “Buckwheat is the name of my nemesis. Yeah I’ll tame his ass.” The show will take place in a week and Wylder plans on eating lots of red meat  as a preparatory step before the big day. It’s not known if this is the strategy for a winner, but Wylder says you gotta secure your place in the food chain before you can secure your place as a winner in this sport.