Doctor Jon Kintuppa stood before a supreme court judge today, charged with negligence after a new elixir he invented to cure depression, started inducing some bizarre symptoms within its patients.
The drug is called Happysmileine and its official release into the public was two months ago after Doctor Kintuppa presented the elixir at a healthcare convention in Toronto. After a rather flamboyant presentation about the amazing healing powers of Kintuppa’s magic elixir, there weren’t enough bottles of Happysmileine to go around. Unfortunately, for those thousands of people prescribed the liquid medication, their moods changed as promised by Kintuppa, but for most, it was not a change for the better.
“Happysmileine is designed to help the muscles in the cheeks reacquire the smiley face,”stated former colleague, Doctor Faldine Styter.
According to Doctor Styter, microscopic electrodes within the elixir, shoot painful shock-waves under the facial tissue which forces the depressed sad-sack to smile. In other words, smiling is the only way for the user to relieve the pain of repeated shocks to the face. “After smiling has commenced it was Kintuppa’s theory that the feeling of happiness would soon follow suit,”Styter concluded.
Those who took Dr Kintuppa’s elixir, are now being treated in local hospitals as victims that not only have to contend with their own depression, but other random mood swings brought on by the drug. “Not enough testing was conducted by Kintuppa before he released that vile poison,” stated an angry doctor. “I’m surprised anyone would even swallow that syrupy liquid, it smells like formaldehyde,”exclaimed another medical staffer.
The lawsuit against Dr Kintuppa was filed by patients who were recovering from the drug. One patient was laughing as he signed the legal documents to indict the Doctor. Laughter was his symptom after 24hr’s use of the drug. “puhaha , I’m so angry and depressed on the inside,” laughed Colton Cepling, “but I, zuhaha, can’t stop laughing on the outside, hey what’s that on your shirt?” Cepling asked as he pointed to my shirt. I looked down and Colton made an obnoxious fart sound and stabbed my eye with his index finger. Another, victim of the elixir was depressed Chinese immigrant, Yoho Chang whose symptom was non-stop crying which made the signing of legal documents difficult as the constant flow of tears was making the paper too wet to write on properly.
The trial lasted six hours, but that did not seem to effect the lawyers who fought tirelessly for their clients. Prosecutor Dave Babcock was aggressive towards the accused who sat nervously beside Judge Maggadams. One line of questioning made the Doctor laugh, which in turn made Babcock furious. In order to exercise authority in the court-room, (a common lawyer tactic) Babcock opened a jar of Kintuppa’s elixir and splashed it in his eyes “now sit your five dollar butt down before I make change,” yelled lawyer Babcock to Doctor Kintuppa who took the advice of the prosecutor. The objections of Doctor Kintuppa’s lawyer seemed to fall on deaf ears and there is a strong sense in the room that the jury will find Doctor Kintuppa guilty when the trial reconvenes for a verdict scheduled for June 20th.
June 29th, 2011 at 9:37 pm
So you did make one. AWESOME!. That was a good laugh. Kintuppa and Styter were brought back. haha. That was a funny read.
Keep writing them bro!
-Yoto Alice Do Rin Do Stein